Anorexia
by Demi-goddess
Summary: A young girl has an eating disorder and the only one who can help her doesn't know of it... can he help her before things go horribly wrong? [personal fic][Not OC]
1. Prologue

A/N- okay, this is a personal fic, okay people? Since i myself have just gotten over Anorexia, i thought i'd write something about it and show how i got over it. It is dark, so if you dont like dark fics... turn back.

**Warnings:** Self-harm, blood, gore, possible suicide... yadda yadda yadda.

Note: you will find out who the 'girl' is later on, kk, cos this _is _a beyblade fic... and this is only the prologue!

* * *

"I'm fine!" The girl screams at her friends. "I'm fine! I'm fine! Leave me alone!"

"But…"

"Just leave me alone, goddamn it! I'm fine! Why don't you believe me?" She replies at the same volume again. But was this girl fine?

One step…

Two step…

She stops for a while on her small staircase to catch her breath. She starts to wonder why this was taking so much out of her… it hadn't before…

Four step…

But as she goes to take the fifth step, she collapses, breathing heavily. She looks up and, catching a glimpse of the hallway mirror, heaves herself up, ignoring the complaints from her aching limbs. She staggers along the hallway to the reflective surface and stares into it with a disgusted glare.

"I'm so fat." She cried, tears flowing silently down her cheeks. "I'm so fat." She repeats.

But is this girl fat?

If you saw her, you'd call her 'stupid'… 'insane'… 'blind' maybe…

Her once form-fitting clothes hung off her bony frame. Her eyes were shadowed… her cheeks hollow…

"I'm so insanely, fucking fat!" She screamed at the mirror. She ran from it and into the bathroom. Reaching the toilet just in time, she heaved up everything she had eaten that day. Somehow, this made her feel better… thinner…

"Nothing works." She sobbed, wiping her mouth of bile. "Nothing… and that's what I am… nothing.

"Those pretty girls in those blading teams… they're so pretty and thin… so confident… catching boys eyes…" She sobbed, staggering into her room and shutting her eyes. She opened them again, letting the tears stream down, and looked up at her wall which was covered in pictures… paper cuttings mostly of the female bladers. But there was one picture… one picture totally different from the rest; one of a boy… one she more than respected…

* * *

A/N- please review and no flames 


	2. Chapter one

_**Chapter one: Sorrow in the heart**_

_**'The sorrow in my heart is so great that it almost crushes me.' Mark 14: 34**_

The girl walked along the streets of Tokyo, her dangerously thin frame hidden under a baggy coat, making her look almost… normal…

If it weren't for her eyes…

Her once ruby eyes were a dull, almost maroon, colour…

Eyes that were once filled with determination, excitement and confidence now held the total opposite to those emotions… sadness… despair…

Her self-esteem had fallen deeper than the bowels of the earth and it had melted in the intense heat.

But this girl hadn't given up. Why, you ask? No one knows… not even the girl herself… she wanders like a lost soul in the fields of Asphodel (1).

But this day, she has a destination. She was going to see her friends… the ones she had shouted at only a day ago… she wanted to apologise for shouting, since it was the normal and civilised thing to do. And she was both, according to her.

And to me, she was both. To others, she was both. But to you, I am not sure. Some cannot accept others for their disabilities, race, desires, nationality and disorders, so how am I to be sure that you accept this lost soul?

As she neared the house of one of her friends, a small flicker of a smile was etched onto her face; but as soon as it came, it was gone. The lights of the house shone through the dankness of the approaching night like a beacon shines through the fog of an approaching ship… warning the girl to stay away…

But she did not…

She stepped onto the walkway carefully and made her way quietly to the main sliding door… but she stopped… for inside, she heard voices…

"… don't know, Max." One voice said. "She may be… I dunno to be sure."

She saw a shadow hug another through the thin, paper-like material.

"But I'm worried about her, Ray." The one called Max replied. "She's never acted or looked like this before. Hilary would never do this!"

"And how would you know?" Another voice interrogated; the girl, whom they called Hilary, flinched at their angry tone.

"Calm down, Tyson!"

"No. I don't know why you're so worried. She's probably gone on one of those diets that girls go on and went a bit crazy."

"I think it's far worse than that, Tyson." Another voice joined the conversation. "She doesn't look…"

"Look what?"

"…healthy, to be frank."

Hilary's eyes watered and she pulled the coat tighter round her body for some form of comfort; she tried to imagine it to be _him_ hugging her…

"Like I said, it's one of those diet crazes." Tyson retorted, not knowing what he was causing outside. "She just lost a little too much and got annoyed yesterday cos we pushed her a lil' too much."

"You mean '_you_ pushed her a lil too much'." A voice mimicked; a cold, icy and husky voice. A voice that melted Hilary even with its iciness. "Listen, Tyson. You may not think that what's happening is important or worrying, but there are others that wish to worry about people."

"Even you?" Tyson countered.

"…even me."

Silence. It seemed that everyone, including Hilary, was in shock; for a reason I'm sure you can guess. She replayed his words in her mind. Revelling in the hope that radiated off every syllable…

"This isn't something to joke about, Kai!"

Though the hope still lingered in Hilary's almost-broken soul, doubt flooded in like a river bursting its banks; could the boy named Kai be joking…?

* * *

(1) The fields of Asphodel is an Ancient Greek belief. They say that normal people wandered this place as shadows of their former beings; it was neither Tartarus (hell) nor the Elysian Fields (heaven).

* * *

Please review, and I apologise for the shortness. This is a hard subject to write about, as you can tell. Thank you to all reviews for the previous chapter; they made me feel better. 

Note: the little quotes at the beginning of each chapter, I want you to read please. These are either from songs, books or great sayings whichI picked up during the timeI was Anorexic; they helped me to get over it and get help, so they are precious to me. Yes, this is a rather odd request, but they might help youto undertsand what I was going through...


	3. Chapter two

'**_In the mirror is where she comes  
Face to face with her fears  
Her reflection looked forward on to her  
After all these years  
However how she's tried to be  
Something besides herself  
Now time has passed and she's ended up  
Somewhere else with regret'_** Soar, Christina Aguilera

* * *

**_Flashback _**

A younger Hilary walked along the streets of Tokyo, heading to school. She was normal; her Anorexia having not… 'arrived'. She was fine, if not a little bit full, but happy with life. Sure, there were no boys lining the streets to date her, but she didn't care about that.

"Hil-Hil!" A yell echoed down the streets, catching Hilary's attention quickly. She grinned as she caught sight of her best friend up ahead.

"Sarah!" She yelled back as she ran to catch up. She was quickly enveloped in a hug. "Sarah… dying… air!"

Sarah giggled and let go, smiling like there was no tomorrow. "Sorry, Hil-Hil. S'just I haven't seen you in AGES!"

Hilary smiled and linked arms with Sarah as they walked towards the school. They chatted normally, like they did everyday… until…

"Sarah?"

"Mm?"

"What… what are those cuts?"

"Where?"

"On your wrist."

"Oh…" Sarah looked away, pulling her cardigan sleeve down lower, trying to hide the red lines that marred her skin even more. "N-Nothing…"

* * *

If you ever tried to find Hilary, you'd probably find her in front of some kind of reflective surface, just staring. Nothing could pull her away: not a phone call, not a knock at the door, not even if the water in the bath overflowed. Her image captivated her for some reason… 

But not in a good way…

* * *

"Look at them." Sarah muttered darkly, as the group of popular girls walked past. "Totally and utterly fake; the lot of them… when will they figure out that image isn't everything?" 

"Well…"

"Please don't tell me that you think that having your skin as orange as a… well… orange, your clothes skimpier than Paris Hilton on the beach and flirting with 'hot boys' is more important than… other things!"

"I don't! It's just; I think that image does help. It plays a big part in our life, Saz, whether we like it or not." She paused as she bent down to drink from the water fountain. "It's not the most important thing, no I agree, but it-"

"Yeah, yeah, plays a big part in our life, yadda, yadda, yadda." Sarah giggled. "But I guess you're right… like always!"

Hilary laughed. "I am not always right!"

They laughed together down the hallway and outside, where they ran to their hiding place; under the branches of a large weeping willow. They leant against the trunk, still giggling at nothing in particular. Hilary sighed and looked over at her blonde friend.

"Sarah?"

Mm?"

"Don't you wish you were, you know, pretty? Like really beautiful?"

"What, like the Plastics?" Sarah scoffed.

"No! But like, naturally beautiful… tanned skin… deep blue eyes…"

"Stop living in a fairytale, Hil-Hil!"

"What? A girl can dream can't she?"

"Yeah… that we can…" Sarah sighed.

After a moments pause, Hilary said, "You still haven't answered my question, Saz-chan."

Sarah sighed again. "Yeah, I do wish I was beautiful… have the perfect boyfriend… not necessarily the hottest and buffest on the block, but… he'd have a nice personality… he'd be really kind and thoughtful… looking after me and all… maybe one of those mysterious types, ya know?" Sarah giggled.

Silence reigned once more.

"Hil-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me something?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me that if something happens to me, you'll remember me and live a happy life for me?"

Hilary was surprised. "What! Nothings going to happen to you, Saz-chan! You don't-"

"Promise me!" Sarah almost shouted, startling Hilary.

"Saz-chan…"

"I don't wanna be around anymore…" Hilary felt the tears well up in her eyes. "I'm living a lie, Hilary… my parents hate me… so does my brother… I haven't ever had a boy who liked me… and you…" Sarah smiled, tears in her own eyes. "You're my only friend… past… present…"

"What about future?" Hilary was almost too afraid to ask.

"Only up there, Hil-chan… I promise to look over you, ok?"

* * *

The next day, Hilary found out that Sarah, her one and only true friend, had committed suicide… 

For around a month, she hid away.

And the next year?

Her parents left.

Her parents had left some time ago. Where? She did not know. Just upped and left. Not even a note. And that's what sparked off her problem; not necessarily the cause, but it was the final straw. Her own parents had lit the fuse and, unlike all the other times, she couldn't stop it and when the fire reached the barrels of gunpowder… it rocked her world to the core.

It had happened right after the BEGA tournament. She had come home, expecting her parents to come running into the hallway and congratulate her on helping her team to victory, like they had done after every tournament she had been helping in. But they didn't arrive. Not the day after; nor the day after that. In fact, they never reappeared.

All their belongings had gone too.

And she realised. She was all alone.

* * *

'I promise to look over you, ok?' 

Sarah's words echoed around Hilary's head as she lay on her bed. Her one and only true friend… her one and only friend…

That's what made her wonder… was Sarah watching her? Up there? With other angels?

Hilary didn't doubt that Sarah was. In life, Sarah had looked out for her, so why wouldn't she do it in the afterlife? Hilary just hoped she would…

Another thought occurred to Hilary… what would Kai think if he knew she was wallowing in her own misery…?

* * *

_Notes on this Chapter:_

- The opening quote is from the song 'Soar' by Christina Aguilera. It's a song that seems to fit in with my life, somehow, and helped me think about things.

- In the summary i said, 'No OCs' and this still stands. 'Sarah' was actually my friend (although her name was changed in this story) so she was/is her own person.

- Although this is a fic about my life, my parents have not left. I added this so it would fit into the storyline.

- 'The Weeping Willow' hiding place is a place i visit when i want to be alone. It reminds me of 'Sarah'.

* * *

Thank you to all the reviews i have received. They have made me feel a lot better; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Please review again!

Demi-Goddess


	4. Chapter three

_**Special answer to Great Hippo Thief:**_ it feels nice that you told me first. But if you ever need to talk, email me, okay? I'll be happy to help!

**_Nubia:_** If you still cut your wrists... i'm not going to stop you. And that's not a bad thing. I know how hard it is to stop and i fell out with a few people cos they tried to make me stop straight away. but talk to me if ya need to, hun, okay? (big hug)

**_Lunar Fire:_** yes it was hard to lose 'Sarah', but i know she's looking over me. I'd rather she be gone than for her to live in pain, though.

**_crisismydaemon:_** yup, Christina's 'Soar' is the one song that i love. I feel it represents me. And yes, whenever i need to talk, i'll turn to u! (Hugs

**_Demenior:_** Yeah, Spring 2004... but like i said to **_Lunar Fire_**, i'm glad she's up in heaven... I know you'd want to fly over and hug me and i'm happy... Thank you!

**_Barbara:_** Yes, i will finish this and i'm glad you love it. You're review was unique and it made me smile, even though it was plain and simple. Thank you.

**_Estrela Jem:_** I'm glad you love the last chapter and yes it was sad, but things will get better, i promise. though this chapter will be _slightly_ worrying, if ya catch mah drift.

_Warning for this chapter:_ (sorry i didn't warn you last chapter!) Self-harm

* * *

'**_If you were here I'd never have a fear  
so go on live your life  
but I miss you more than I did yesterday  
you're so far away  
so c'mon show me how  
cause I mean this more than words can ever say' _**Give 'em Hell Kid, My Chemical Romance

* * *

_Bang Bang!_

Silence…

_Bang bang bang!_

More silence…

"Hilary! Open the door! We know you're in there!"

Hilary gave a small, strangled sob as the banging on the door continued. Why wouldn't they leave her alone? Why couldn't they understand that she didn't want to 'open the door'?

She clutched her injured arm with her other hand, tears streaming down her face as she huddled tighter into the corner…

_**Flashback**_

As Hilary perched on the edge of her bed, memories swirled around her mind like a whirlpool. Memories of happier times; whether they were with family or friends.

But there was something inside her mind that kept floating to the surface. To be precise, it was a voice…

_'It helps me, you know? Whenever I feel the walls and people closing in on me, I literally let it all out… not all, of course, cos then I would be dead, but just a little at a time… it makes me feel better… you have to understand… do you?'_

Hilary made a decision. She stood up, almost confidently, and walked into the hallway bathroom. She opened the cupboard and took out her father's old razor, before successfully dismantling it so she only had a single razor blade in her hand. She dropped the razor into the sink carelessly as she stared at the sharp metal.

Turning her arm over so she could she the veins in her wrists clearly, she placed the blade over the skin where the veins disappeared from view and applied pressure… but she didn't move it. She couldn't.

Another voice surfaced: _'Oh, these? On my arm? Well, sometimes, when I don't have the guts… I… I cut myself here, on the top, so I can be sure that I won't, you know, bleed to death…'_

She shut the voice off so she didn't have to hear what Sarah had said last, though she knew already.

Taking the blade away carefully, she turned her arm over again and replaced the blade halfway down her lower arm, before slicing it sideways in a swift movement. She watched as blood oozed up out of the fine wound, not dripping down though… but she noticed one thing…

She didn't feel any pain…

Only…

Relief…

'NowI understand, Sarah...' Hilary thought.

Placing the blade over a new patch of skin, she did the same thing, feeling herself strangely relax as the blood came up. Seven more times she did this until she had nine randomly-placed, blood-leaking lines on her lower arm. But she tipped her arm accidentally and a drop of blood fell onto the white tiles next to her bare feet. She didn't care, though. No one would see it and she could clear it up when her slight light-headedness cleared up.

Downstairs, a knock at the door sounded, but she didn't answer it. She didn't acknowledge it at all. Instead, she bandaged her arm before walking back out into the hall and up to the mirror.

She just stood there… staring, as the knocks at the door became more aggressive and red dots and lines appeared through the white linen.

"Hilary? You're in there, we know it! We saw you come here five minutes ago!" Tyson's angry voice echoed upstairs.

She gritted her teeth and, for many reasons, banged the side of the fist of her injured arm against the mirror. It cracked and fell to the floor with a huge crash. Hilary stumbled back, clutching her bleeding hand. Her mind went blank and numb with shock. Tyson would've surely heard that…

"Hilary! Open the door!"

The tears streamed down her face silently and she found herself downstairs, in the hallway that led to the main door. She sat on the floor and moved into the corner as more tears streamed down and as more impatient knocks banged at the door…

**_End Flashback_**

"Hilary! If you don't open the door now, I'm gonna break it down!"

"Tyson," Ray's voice drifted through as Hilary stood, "I don't think you should. Hilary might not be home…"

"I don't care Ray."

Hilary had two choices: fight or flight…

Grabbing her coat, she ran, still barefoot, out the back door and down the garden, into the overgrown foliage. When she reached the back gate, she yanked in open and ran out into the street…

* * *

With a swift kick, the door banged open, hitting the wall behind it on its hinges. Tyson stepped in hesitantly. 

"Oh," A jittery Kenny panicked, "this is breaking and entering, Tyson, BREAKING AND ENTERING! We're breaking into Hilary's house AND we're breaking the law!"

"Calm down, Chief. It was you're idea to find out if Hilary was alright." Tyson said as he peeked round the corner of the open doorway to the living room. "And you heard that huge crash."

"Yeah, but that could have been anything! She could have a pesky dog! The thing that made the sound could've been a mirror that had a bad wire… ANYTHING!"

"Calm down, Kenny!"

"I have to agree with both of you." Max said. "We are kind of breaking the law, but we need to find out what's wrong with- Ray?"

"No we're here to find out what's wrong with Hilary not… hey Ray buddy? You ok?"

Ray's eyes were slits and it looked like he was searching for something. He walked down the hallway quietly and looked up the stairs.

"Is she up there, Ray?" Max asked.

Ray shook his head. "No, but I smell something odd…"

"Nah, that's Kenny sweating…" Tyson said.

Ray chuckled, but started up the stairs; the others followed after him.

"No…way…" they heard Ray say.

They rushed up and gasped. A huge, full-length mirror was lying face down on the ground, shards of the reflective glass scattered around it, but even more frightening…

"Blood…"

Silence…

"What do you think happened?" Max asked Ray, walking to stand beside his friend. "Kenny's 'mirror' explanation fits in with this, but the blood…?"

Ray stayed quiet and looked around, sniffing once in a while. He walked silently into a bathroom; he appeared a few minutes later, face pale.

"Ray?"

"We need to find her… now." He breathed.

"Why?"

He held out the semi-dismantled razor and his finger, on which almost-dried blood was smeared. "This is why…"


	5. Chapter four

Review answers: I advise you to read these, cos it may answer a question you may have.

**_Special answer: Demenior-_** No, you haven't gone and stuck your foot in your mouth. You're just confused and don't understand. Self-harm is a very complicated thing for some, but simple for others. And it is pretty hard to explain, because the reasons differ for different people. My reason was what 'Sarah' said in the previous chapter: 'Whenever I feel the walls and people closing in on me, I literally let it all out...' that's what is was like for me. And... gah, it's so hard to explain... It's like creating a new pain, so the old pain will go away temporarily. But like i said 'Temporarily'. and yes, sometimes i feel ugly, cos i have the scars on my arms, but i bear them, cos it feels like i have to; Sarah gave up her life to get away from the pain, but i stayed and therefore, it kinda reminds me of her in a weird way. Your review made me cry and it's actually making me cry now (in a good way, though!) yes, i know you're always be here for me and that i will turn to you and many people for help. Love you lil sis. Take care yourself and yes, i will smile. I will smile and lift my head high for you, Dem.

Sorry, but now, i'm not really in the mood to answer reviews (Not in a bad way, though. And no, Dem, you haven't made me; it's not your fault, so don't go and hide in that box of yours!). I thank you all so kindly and please review again. Thank you for your sympathy and empathy. Take care and in the words of my little sister 'Always remember to smile!'

* * *

'_**When there's no one else  
Look inside yourself  
Like your oldest friend  
Just trust the voice within  
Then you'll find the strength  
That will guide your way  
If you will learn to begin  
To trust the voice within'** _The voice within, Christina Aguilera

Hilary ran with all the energy she had left in her body. She could feel herself wearing down, but she had to keep going. By now, she knew they would be in her house and-

She stopped dead…

'N-No…' She thought. 'The razor… the blood… the pictures… Kai…'

She fell to her knees, eventually onto all fours, sobbing in the middle of the park. It started to rain, heavy droplets thudding down everywhere, drenching everything in mere seconds.

'Perfect,' She thought bitterly, 'just perfect. Perfect for my mood.' She almost smiled. 'But now, no one will see me cry…' and… her tears stopped. It was as if she had lost the will to cry anymore…

She shakily stood, her injured hand and knees dripping with watery mud… and… she walked. She had no destination… just like all the other times. But she walked anyway. Where her feet would carry her, she did not know… but she would be going anyway… anywhere… anyhow…

* * *

Silence.

Nothing else was heard.

Until it started to rain, that is.

The Bladebreakers, minus Kai, just stared at Ray's outstretched hands, which held the ex-razor and the blood.

"W-Why?" Max breathed, tears bordering his eyes, but they did not fall. No one replied, for they were in a state of shock. "Why?"

Max fell to his knees and held his face in his hands. Tyson knelt beside him and hugged the blonde close, but he himself felt like breaking down. Even Kenny had no explanation. Ray was too frightened to move a muscle.

And that's all there was…

Silence…

* * *

_**Flashback **_

A young blonde girl of about nine ran towards an old weeping willow, a neutral expression on her face. She was neither happy nor sad, but that changed as soon as she ducked under the branches.

"Hey!" The blonde girl said to the brown haired girl of a similar age. "That's mah spot!"

"I don't see your name on it." The brown girl managed to say without sobbing.

The blonde's expression died. "What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing…" The brunette said, standing. "I'll just go now. You want to sit here so-"

"So we'll sit together." The blonde said, walking over and pushing the other girl down into a sitting position; she sat beside her. "Now, tell me what's wrong." The brunette made no move of replying. "Listen, if yah can't tell, then I'm gonna have to kick yah out. This tree here's a place of truth, yah hear me?"

The brunette sniffed. "Mah grandpa d-died."

The blonde smiled reassuringly. "It'll be ok! Mah granddad died a few years ago and I'm ok. I'm fine! And it'll be the same for you!"

"How can you be so sure?"

The blonde shrugged. "I dunno, but mah gramps used to say to trust your inner voice and mah inner voice is telling me that everything's gunna be fine for you!"

"Mah… inner voice?"

"Yup. He said it was your heart talking… either that or your conscious, and he also said, 'Kid, you don't want that on ya case.'"

The brunette laughed at the blonde's attempt at a manly voice. "So, I should listen to this voice?" The blonde nodded. "But what if… what if I can't hear it? What if I don't have one? I mean, everyone calls me a bossy boots and a bully…"

"I don't think you're a bully! You're just…" she searched for the right word, "misunderstood. And everyone has this 'voice'. S'just some voices are louder than others."

The brunette smiled genuinely. "Thank you." She bowed her head. "Can I be your friend?"

The blonde gave her a toothy grin. "Sure. And I'll be yours. My name's Sarah."

"Hilary."

Sarah giggled and held out her hand. Hilary clasped it.

"BFF!"

"B…FF?" Hilary asked.

"Best Friends Forever!"

"Sure!"

"Forever!"

"Forever!"

**_End Flashback_**

* * *

"Forever…" Hilary muttered, sitting in the same spot she had done for countless years. "…Forever, Sarah… you promised me…does that promise still stand? Or am I no longer your friend?" She wiped away a stray tear. "I will not cry… I will not cry…" she chanted under her breath…

"You know, sometimes, it's good to cry." Said a voice behind Hilary.


	6. Chapter five

A/N- hello and – wait, that sounds so 'talk-show-host'. Oh well. Just to let you know, I only have around two chapters planned next. So this fic is nearing an end. Now I know that has this weird 'reply-to-reviews' thing, and I intend to use it, but when I receive a review that contains a question (mainly for this fic) that I think many people will ask, I will answer it in the main fic for people to see, so their question can be answered. Oh well, only one review to answer then on with the fic.

_**

* * *

The Great Hippo Thief- **Hello again! –_ Yes, this is quite a hard fic to compliment, especially since it is technically my half-life story (though some bits are tweaked slightly, though only a few). Mah parents are a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes, especially now that I have stopped eating many meats; I only eat bacon, ham, sausages and chicken now (no turkey for crimbo!). They're worried about me not eating enough, but I am, I tell ya. I have all my meals and snacks planned out for me by my personal trainer (no, I am not rich. It's part of the NHS (National Health Service. British thing, if ya not British)). And that's quite annoying… I don't know how I got through this either, but all I know is I did. Well, I do remember, but some parts of my memories are a bit of a blur. I guess friendship, determination and quite possibly love got me through this.

* * *

'_**For too long I've been struggling, **_**_I couldn't go on  
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on'_** Singin my song, Christina Aguilera

If Hilary was someone else, she would have been scared out of her wits by the voice; but Hilary was Hilary, whether she liked it or not. She hugged herself tighter, trying to hide her arm in the process, and looked away from the intruder.

"Leave." She said as bitterly as she could muster. She heard no movement. "Please. Leave now." No sound. "Fine. Stay there then. Like I care."

"But if you don't care, why did you ask me to leave?"

Hilary's grip on her forearms tightened. She knew what he was doing. He was messing with her mind. But what was he doing here? Shouldn't he be with his friends?

"I know what you're thinking…"

"What am I thinking of then, Psychic-boy?" Hilary snapped back, irritably.

"You're wondering why I am here. Why I'm not with my teammates." She could feel him smirking. "And you're thinking that I'm messing around with your mind."

She grit her teeth. _'So what,'_ she thought bitterly, _'he's figured it out. Big deal. Let's throw a frickin' party for the Russian smarty-pants.' _

"Well done," She replied, still not looking up. "Now, you can leave."

"I think not." She heard him sitting down. "I find this place quite a tranquil place."

"Yeah, it's _my_ tranquil place. A friend and mine's. So leave." She could feel the tears welling up, but she refused to cry in front of him.

"What did I tell you about crying?" A gloved hand came into her line of vision and a finger wiped away a stray tear that had fallen down her cheek. "It's ok."

"What would you know about it?" She snapped back.

"I know enough to know that holding it in only makes the pain worse." He replied, taking back his hand.

She subconsciously took in a deep breath, taking in his aroma that had drifted over on the wind's breath; winter. That's what he smelt of. She wondered what Kai smelt of…

"Please, I want to be alone. Please Tala."

Tala looked over at her, his ice blue eyes boring into her dull, maroon ones. She looked away; his stare too intense.

"Yet you long for Kai to be with you." He whispered, surprising her.

"H-How do you know?" She asked, looking back at him.

"Your body language."

"You've been spying on me?"

Tala chuckled. "No," He said, smirking, "during the last tournament. The way you cheered him on when he was competing against your other friends; when he lost against Tyson, you were worried about where he had gone; during his second fight with Brooklyn-"

"But you were in a freakin' coma when that happened!"

"I do have friends of my own, you know." He pointed out, raising an eyebrow. He smirked and looked away, watching the rainfall around the great willow; miraculously, no drop fell down into the shelter area of the weeping tree. "Bryan told me…" He said. "And I saw you when Tyson beat Brooklyn. You ran up and hugged Kai." He truly smiled, whereas Hilary blushed for once in many months. "I admit that both he and I were surprised, but if I can remember correctly, he hugged you back. And let me tell you something, Hilary," She looked at him again, watching him look out at nothing in particular, his eyes glazed over, "he's never truly hugged someone before like that. Never."

Nothing was said after that; the only sounds coming from the rain outside the great crying tree. Everything in the world was crying… the sky, the tree, the girl… and her friends…

* * *

"Max, we'll find her. We will." Tyson tried to reassure his upset friend. He hugged him close and buried his face in his friend's mess of blonde hair. 

"I say we go look for her. We have to get out of here, anyway, because we broke in _and_ she's not here," Ray said, "and that looks like pretty heavy rainfall. Come on guys, crying won't solve anything." But he himself was blinking away his tears.

"Ray," Kenny said quietly, "should I contact Mr Dickenson?"

Ray shook his head, ebony hair moving, his ponytail swinging. "He'll only get worried. And no offence, Chief, but he won't be able to do better than us. Chances are, if Hilary saw a group of men looking for her that were assigned by Mr D, she's run again. With us, there's more chance of her staying where she is."

"I suppose you're right Ray…" Kenny turned to Tyson and Max. "Guys, come on, let's go find her."

* * *

"What happened to you, Hilary?" 

Hilary did not reply. Not out of ignorance or loss of words… but fear and shame. Tala carefully took Hilary hand in his own, taking it off the ground and holding it; and this hand happened to be her cut arm. She winced slightly and looked away, truly ashamed.

"Hilary, if you don't face the truth and tell someone, this," he gestured to her arm, "will get worse. You might even do something you'll regret." No reply. "As the years progress, more scars will be on your body and you'll feel uglier and uglier."

"And how do you know all this?" She asked, ripping her hand out of his grasp, ignoring the flash of pain that coursed through her veins. "How could you possibly-"

She stopped, staring at the arm in front of her; his arm. Randomly placed white scars were on his arm. Some, she was horrified to see, were so near to the underside of his wrist that she knew they must've caused harm… harm to him…

"You…?"

"In the Abbey." He replied, tugging his jumpsuit sleeve back down. He looked back at her; she couldn't place names on the emotions flowing in his eyes. "My reason may not be the same as yours. It may not even be as bad. But I did it. Now, I have to live with these. Everyday I look at them and wish I never did it. I wish I had never even set eyes on that tool knife. But I did. And this happened." He sighed. "Kai's looking for you. So are your friends. I'm guessing you don't want to face them." She shook her head numbly. He stood and held out his hand. "Come with me."

She hesitantly held out her hand, and curled her fingers slowly round the Russian's own. He helped her up but her legs couldn't support her. She almost fell to the ground, but Tala caught her.

"N-No good." She felt like crying. "Too weak…"

He merely grunted in reply and slid his arms round her back and under her legs, picking her up like a groom does a bride. She made a small noise, barely noticeable, and her hands tightened their grip on the front of his jumpsuit. She buried her face into the orange and white material… and fell asleep.

* * *

"Look after her, Kai." Hilary heard a voice say, but in her groggy state, she couldn't determine who it was. "She needs help and you're the only one who can help her." 

She gave up in her fight to stay conscious just as the door to the small bedroom opened and the two-toned Russian walked in. He sat on the windowsill, the moon's rays flowing into the room, illuminating everything in a silvery glow. He looked at her sleeping form, her thing frame hidden slightly by the duvet covers.

_'Everything will be fine…'_

* * *

A/N- I apologise if Tala was OOC… bet he surprised u. (grins)U were all expecting Kai, weren't u? (nudges) But you got a friendly Tala instead. And before you ask: No, Tala does not fancy Hilary, he just wants to help her because he's kinda gone through the same thing. And I tweaked things with the past and stuff (E.g.- Hilary hugging Kai at the end of Grev and Tala doing self-harm) hope that doesn't seem too OOC either… 

Anywho, review! (as you can tell, I'm feeling better)

Yes, this is quite a hard fic to compliment, especially since it is technically my half-life story (though some bits are tweaked slightly, though only a few). Mah parents are a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes, especially now that I have stopped eating many meats; I only eat bacon, ham, sausages and chicken now (no turkey for crimbo!). They're worried about me not eating enough, but I am, I tell ya. I have all my meals and snacks planned out for me by my personal trainer (no, I am not rich. It's part of the NHS (National Health Service. British thing, if ya not British)). And that's quite annoying… I don't know how I got through this either, but all I know is I did. Well, I do remember, but some parts of my memories are a bit of a blur. I guess friendship, determination and quite possibly love got me through this. 


	7. Chapter six

'**_What is it is that makes us feel the need to keep pretending  
Gotta let ourselves be'_** Soar, Christina Aguilera

* * *

The day was a neutral one. The sun neither shone nor hid; grey clouds drifted across the sky at a lazy pace and living life was still asleep, nestled deep in their homes. Apart from one boy.

He had been up the whole night, looking over a girl of similar age. He had not slept a wink. Nor had any stimulants to keep him awake. Just watching this girl sleep… this troubled girl.

She shifted in her sleep and the boy's gaze shot over to her. Her soft-looking, pale lips were parted slightly to allow deep breathing and one hand was beside her head, gripping the pillow in a soft grasp. His eyes softened; his barriers down.

The ginger-tabby cat on his lap looked up at him with big hazel eyes, before nuzzling his arm, begging for attention. He granted it, scratching it behind the ear. It purred quietly, but his attention was still on the girl.

He had heard the others come in quite late last night. They didn't talk, but he heard their shuffling footsteps down the hallway. Max, he knew, was sobbing, but as far as he could tell, the others hadn't been; just quiet. No others sounds had he heard in the huge dojo.

He looked back out the window to look at nothing a particular, stilling stroking the sleeping tabby.

* * *

Her eyes slowly opened, blinking once of twice, taking in her surroundings. She wasn't in her room, no she figured that… so where was she?

It wasn't until she saw the boy sitting on the windowsill did she feel safe…

But it wasn't until she noticed she was only in her underwear did she feel insecure.

The boy somehow knew she was awake because he looked in her direction.

"You ok?" He asked.

She sat up and hugged the covers close to her body. "Where?"

"Tyson's."

"Oh…" She looked away, ashamed. "Who changed me?" She asked quietly.

"Does it matter?"

"N-No…"

She heard him stand and his footsteps got nearer. The bed went down slightly when he sat down next to her; he held out his hand. She looked at it, confusingly, but it dawned on her when she remembered his arm; though she didn't hand it over (pardon the pun). She shuffled back, keeping the duvet tight around her body self-consciously. He frowned.

"Hilary…"

"Please leave me, Tala." She whimpered, looking down, her self-consciousness reaching an all time high. "I know you want to know what's wrong with me and crap but-"

"Yeah I know, there's nothing wrong with you." Tal replied, resisting the urge to roll his eyes; his hand still outstretched. "Just let me look at your arm. I won't do anything you don't want me to, though. If you don't want to talk, fine by me; I won't ask. If you want one of your friends; I'll go get one."

"And what if I want you to leave?" Hilary asked, her hand going out gingerly.

Tala smirked wryly. "Fat chance."

"Worth a shot…" She muttered, watching intently what Tala was doing. A small smile came to her lips as she said this.

He unwrapped the soft linen with utmost care and placed it on the table beside her bed. He ran a finger down her lower arm, barely grazing the skin, his fingertips feeling the bumps below. He felt her muscle tense at first, but relax after; she seemed to like it.

He grunted. "Good, no tissue-structure damage."

"Tissue damage?"

Tala nodded as he reached for a damp flannel in a bowl of shallow water. "Sometimes, if the blade goes too deep," She flinched, but not from the pain; the memories flooded up, "it can damage the structure of the tissue cells. Like, knock the others out of place. It rarely happens, though, don't worry. We just can't be too careful."

Silence for a while…

"Tala?" Hilary asked steadily. "I-I… last night, I woke up… and I thought I felt someone… watching me… was that you?"

Tala shook his head. "No, I went back to my hotel. Most probably Kai." He looked up and smiled. "That guy never seems to sleep."

Hilary smiled back; it was a small smile, but it was a smile all the same.

"Where is Kai?"

"Talking to the Bladebreakers."

"W-What?"

"Hilary, listen, calm down." He soothed, reaching out and cupping her cheek, rubbing away a tear that tumbled down. "He isn't going to say anything that you don't want him to; neither will I. He's just going to say what happened, just tweaked a little. You were out of your house, got stuck in the storm, passed out, I found you and brought you here to Kai." But his expression turned serious. "But you'll have to tell them the truth sometime, Hilary. Things like this," he ran his finger down her arm again, "can't be ignored."

"But… they'll think me as… weak…"

"Hilary, if they think that you doing this makes you weak, then that makes me weak; weaker than you. Now, I don't know your reason for your self-harm, nor am I expecting you to tell me of all people, but at least someone, so that they can help you get over whatever's making you harm yourself."

The corner of his lips tugged upwards into a lop-sided, reassuring smile as she nodded. He brushed her cheek with the back of his fingers, before setting back to work rewrapping the bandages. He finished and looked at her.

"Who should I tell?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Would you like me to get Kai?" He asked softly, knowing whom she actually wanted to confide in.

She nodded. He gave her one last smile before leaving the room, shutting the wooden door quietly. An almost deafening silence echoed in the room, the only sounds from chirping birds outside and a car going past. She looked over at the window to see a small ginger-tabby cat, staring at her with curious, big hazel eyes. It stood and hopped of the 'sill and wandered over. It jumped onto the bed and padded over to her; she could hear it purring from the end of the bed very clearly. It rubbed its chin against hers in an attempt to get some attention; which it got.

But after a while, it must've gotten bored and hopped of the bed to go elsewhere. But when she looked up, she saw Kai leaning on the back of the closed door, his crimson eyes boring curiously into her maroon ones; her once-ruby ones.

The covers were tugged round her body once again and she looked away, whispering the one word she had denied from anyone-

"Help…"

His eyes seemed to soften and his stance seemed to slacken.

"That is something I have been doing for so long, Hilary, but sometimes you do not let me." Was his reply.

"If I let you this time…will you?"

He didn't need to nod, or say 'yes'; she saw it in his eyes. The eyes that refused to let her gaze wander elsewhere and bored into her soul… the eyes that force you to tell all…

And that's what she did.

Shyly at first… but slowly telling the Russian about what had happened in her life that led to her depression; Sarah, her parents leaving, no friends... He helped her continued with a few questions, but he normally let her talk, listening intently.

A pause…

"Hilary…" She looked up at him. "Do you know what's wrong with you?"

Hilary shook her head, but it was unknown if it was in denial or 'no'.

He walked over and sat on the bed. "Hilary, you may have something… severe…" she looked up sharply. "How would you… define yourself as?"

"Fat." She said without hesitation. "Totally and utterly fat."

He took her uninjured hand in his and cupped her cheek with his other, forcing her to look at him. "Hilary, I'm going to get straight to the point: Anorexia."

"What?"

"Anorexia is what you have, Hilary. You feel overweight when you are dangerously underweight-"

"But I'm not!" Hilary cried, falling forward and sobbing into his chest.

"You are Hilary." He said calmly, placing his hands on her back and hugging her closer as she continued to cry. "You feel fat, but you are thin; you've withdrawn from us; fallen into a depression for no apparent and obvious reason. All these add up to anorexia, Hilary." He held her out so he could look her in the eyes. "Look at me Hilary, look at me. It can be overcome, trust me on this." But doubt was shining in her eyes like pools of drying blood. "Have I ever let you, down, Hilary? Have I ever given up on you?" She shook her head slowly.

"You-You saved my life on the Island…" She murmured.

"And I can do it again…" He whispered. "But…"

"I know…" She sniffed. "I have to-to tell the oth-others…but…promise me something, K-Kai…" He nodded. "You'll st-stay by me, no-no matter what…"

"No matter what…"

* * *

I'm not sure about you, but when I first met my now-close friends, I thought they'd be somewhat 'temporary'; I'd soon find more friends and we'd move apart. But, they've stuck by me, no matter what.

And that's what Hilary had.

In a chorus of 'Hilary, we love you!' s and 'We'd never leave you!' s, she was buried under many pairs of arms, being embraced in a bear hug; if the bear that hugged her had many arms, that is. And… she laughed.

For what seemed like a century, she laughed. For the first time in over a year, she laughed in total happiness as the mass of bodies fell over onto the floor. They lay there for a while, revelling in the body warmth that spread like butterflies in a field disturbed by children running around. She caught sight of Kai leaning against the far wall, smiling at her.

Smiling…

She smiled back, and, as if he could hear her, thought, _'Thank you, Kai…Thank you Tala… I'll never forget you… Thank you for turning my life around… just promise to keep your promises by helping me get back to how my life used to be…'_

* * *

A/N- thank you for reading and review! Only one more chapter to go, then an epilogue!

Anywho, review!


	8. Chapter seven

'_**Its so amazing how something so sweet**_

_**Has come and rearranged my life**_

_**I've been kissed by destiny**_

_**Oh, heaven came and saved me**_

_**An angel was placed at my feet**_

**_This isn't ordinary, he's loving me for me' _**Lovin' me 4 me, Christina Aguilera

* * *

It was as if the Heavens were smiling with joy. A full moon was out, pouring its silver rays of light over the city of Tokyo. Golden lights poured out of a dojo near the docks, but soon those lights were shut off as a group of teens came out. Dressed in nothing smart, just casual, they walked on their way talking about a party. 

And that's where they were going.

Well, not a party in its sense, but a reunion; a blading reunion. The head of the Bey Battle Association, or BBA, Mr Dickenson, had arranged for all the teams that had participated in past tournaments to come to the BBA headquarters in downtown Tokyo to catch up, battle maybe (but he was praying that violence wouldn't happen…).

Hilary had been nervous about going along, but after much poking- alright, **_a lot_** of poking, she agreed. But on one condition; she could leave whenever she wished. But there was one thing that begged her to come and that thing was the thought that Tala would be there. She really needed to thank the redhead for urging her to tell and spilling his secrets about his, how you say, _past problems_.

She had put on a little bit of weight, not much, but still it was an achievement. But that didn't mean her Anorexia had gone; it never goes, really… it stays with you like a guardian angel; only this guardian angel isn't one you want.

The large lights of the BBA headquarters lit up the street and there was already a large crowd outside. They walked up to the area outside the main entrance.

"Ray!" Mariah squealed, running up and hugging the fellow neko-jin.

"Mariah." Ray laughed, hugging back. "How've you been?"

"Oh great! Do you like my new outfit?"

"Yeah, I love it Mariah! Looks great on you!"

And the introductions went on like that. The crowd that had been outside were mainly composed of the female bladers, but there were a few males dotted around; the rest being indoors. Kai spotted Tala walking over and he smirked, nodding in a silent 'hello'. Tala frowned.

"Where's Hilary?" He asked in a whisper.

Kai looked around. "Shit!" He exclaimed, before running away in search of the Japanese girl.

"Hey Kai! Where're you off to?" Tyson yelled.

"Don't worry about him Tyson." Tala said. "He said he needed to attend to some business, so just go inside; I'm sure he'll be back."

"If you say so…"

Internally, Tala was thanking every god and goddess up there that Tyson had been so naïve and had believed him; also the fact that the blunette hadn't realised that the brunette had gone.

_'Just find her Kai… before she does something bad…'_

* * *

'_Damn… where the hell is she?'_ Kai thought furiously, turning down another street and coming into the park area. _'Where are you? Hilary, please! Don't do anything stupid…think, Kai, think… what did Tala say…? Something about a willow and- she might be there!'_

He sprinted towards the great big tree and, ducking under the thick branches, stopped dead. Hilary was there; he could just see the back of her. He carefully and quietly, moved closer until he could hear her soft voice.

"...I'm sorry Sarah. I just can't do it. You told me to live life for you but how can I when there's nothing to live for?"

"Everyone has a purpose…" Kai said softly. Hilary snapped her head in his direction in shock.

"K-Kai?"

"Everyone has a purpose for being on this earth, Hilary. Though it may not be apparent yet, it will be in due time." Kai said, moving even closer. "Why did you run, Hilary?"

She couldn't look anywhere but his deep, crimson eyes. "I-I saw the girls." She confessed and broke her gaze. "So pretty…" She murmured under her breath, but Kai heard her.

He knelt beside her and tilted her tear stained face upwards by his finger under her chin. "Hilary… they are pretty, I will admit that… but compared to them… you are beautiful; beyond that." She blushed a deep crimson, but couldn't look away. "Why do you harbour such a low-esteem, Hilary? You are beautiful, no matter what…"

"Kai…" She murmured as she felt his hot breath fan across her cheeks and his lips ghosting over hers. "I…"

"Shhh," He hushed, "I know…"

He pressed his lips completely against hers, his eyes flickering closed. It was only a chaste kiss, but a tender one all the same, full of untold love and compassion. He pulled away slowly, letting the kiss linger for as long as it could. He opened his eyes and smiled at her astonished expression; a true smile.

"Come on." He said, holding out his hand.

"I-I-"

"Hilary… please, for me?"

She sighed and looked up at him, placing her hand delicately on his. She watched in amazement as his fingers curled round to envelope her whole hand. He smiled reassuringly and helped her stand.

She smiled back. "Shall we?" She asked quietly.

* * *

She followed him into the now-full party, her hand still held in his. He seemed to be leading her over to a specific spot- 

"Hilary!" She heard Tala's voice in front of her and she smiled.

"Hey Tala." And she let him hug her.

"You ok?" He whispered in her ear.

"Yes, thank you… no, really, thank you. If it weren't for you, well… you know."

"Yes I do." He chuckled, letting go. "This is Bryan." He said, pointing to the lavender haired blader, "And Yuri." He smirked as he pointed to a black-haired girl whose waist was held by Bryan's arm. "His girlfriend."

"At least I have one, Wolf." Bryan smirked, his grip on Yuri's waist tightening, bringing her closer.

"Listen, mister, you better not be dating me just to gloat at Tala." Yuri warned, glaring at Bryan.

"And why would I do that? If I did, you'd probably kill me where I stand."

"You know me too well…"

Hilary smiled and Tala and Kai smirked at the couples humoured-bickering. Unconsciously, she moved closer to Kai as she saw the girls in a corner nearby and Kai sensed it because his hand squeezed hers reassuringly.

"Well, I need a drink. Hopefully, Parker's brought some adult stuff, not punch." Bryan decided.

"Get me a drink, will ya?"

"Get your own, Wolf."

"Worth a shot… come on Phoenix." Tala said to Kai, a knowing look in his icy blue that Hilary failed to notice; but Kai did.

He gave her hand another squeeze before letting go and following the other two Russians away.

"Hey, girl? Come on, sit with me!" She heard Yuri call her. She nodded timidly and walked over to sit by the black-haired girl. "So what's your name?"

"Hilary…"

"Ah, no need to be shy around me, Hilary. I won't kill you; even if I have killed before." She laughed. "Don't worry. So… how long with the Ice Prince then?"

"Um… only very recently."

"Yeah, Bryan's kinda the same, but only a little longer unfortunately…" Hilary laughed. "But," Yuri's tone turned a little serious, "I know that things'll work out for you two and he'll help you through this. Tala told me and don't worry, I won't tell a soul, I promise." She said quickly, noticing the shocked look on her face. She took her hand. "Listen Hilary. Tala's like a brother to me and he wouldn't have told me if he didn't trust me; since you trust him, you have to trust me when I say I won't tell a soul. I'm way good at keeping secrets, okay?" Hilary nodded slowly. Yuri smiled. "Listen again; I know you're kinda scared of those girls over there, but there's no need to worry about that either. If they so even make you uncomfortable, their brains are as good as spilled."

"Yuri, you better not be threatening random people again." Bryan said walking over.

"A girl can have some fun, can't she?" Yuri pouted, brushing two stands of black hair out of her face. "And I haven't freaked Hilary out, have I Hil?"

Hilary shook her head, a smile on her face. "No… yet…"

"Excuse me?" Yuri laughed. "She's been hanging around you too much, Phoenix. You're a bad influence."

Hilary glanced over at Kai, her smile still on her face; a smile on his.

'_This is it…'_ she thought, _'Time to end it all. From now on, I'm living life to the full… with Kai by my side, no one's going to have a fantastic and exciting life like mine.'_

"Shut up, Falcon! Or I'll castrate you where you stand!"

_'Well… maybe excluding Bryan…I think he has his work cut out for him with Yuri...'_

* * *

A/N- okay, a few notes on this chapter: 

1) NOT THE END! An epilogue is following

2) Yes I know that Yuri is Tala's Japanese/middle name, but she's actually an OC for another fic I'm writing and I needed a girl who could talk to Hilary like 'that'. And just to explin about her constant references to violence and crap; in the other fic, she's like an assassin, okay? just me having some fun... Actually, saying that, she reminds me of mah best friend, Rachael... now that's scary...

3) Kai is technically based of mah BF, Gavin… he helped me through this too much that I owe him everything. (Readers hand D-G a tissue) thank you.

4) um, if ya have any queries, put it in ur review!


	9. Epilogue

A/N- a very long and (I think) tear-jerking epilogue for you guys. If you're one to cry in sappy films or don't like dark(ish) thoughts, I suggest you don't read this. Just view the previous chapter as the last chapter and imagine it as a happy ending (even though this is a happy ending)

* * *

'**_Now in life there's gonna be times  
When you're feeling low  
And in your mind insecurities seem to take control  
We start to look outside ourselves  
For acceptance and approval  
We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is _**

Don't be scared  
To fly alone  
Find a path that is your own  
Love will open every door

See in your hands the world is yours  
Don't hold back and always know  
All the answers you will unfold  
What are you waiting for  
Spread your wings and soar!' Soar, Christina Aguilera

* * *

Hilary POV/My POV (your choice on who you want to think it is)

* * *

I don't know how to describe how I feel…

But I never knew how to describe how I felt before, so why should it be any different?

Well, I'll tell you why it's different… because I know that there are people out there who care… who care about _me_… I know that I feel better… I know I look better…

Heh, now I know what they mean when they say, _'If you feel good, you look good'_… definitely describes me. Now, I may not feel 100 perfect, but I guess I do feel better about myself…

I look back on how I was… last year and previous… I feel stupid about how I acted. I wonder, _'why did I do that? Wouldn't it have been so much better to do that or that?'_

But, I guess that all things happen for a purpose, don't they? Those sisters called destiny and fate that bind us to those we were born to be with…I guess you can say that they decide our soul mates… and I think I've found mine…

It's been a year now… a tough year full of mental bumps and bruises, trying to overcome my 'problem'; heh, except I get touchy when people call it a 'problem'. It ain't a problem! It's not a 'disorder' (only in scientific books, if ya wanna get technical). It's just another obstacle that life threw at me to overcome. But sometimes I think, _'Why me?'_… but then, sometimes, I'm glad it was me, for some wacky reason. Because I was able to overcome it and I'm not sure if anyone else could do it if they were in my shoes. It makes me smile for another wacky reason…

But then… then I just wish that Sarah hadn't have been cursed, by the Sisters, with what she got. Her parents hated her, so did her brother… everything just ganged up on her and… and… it just makes me so angry inside. But I know that I can't change the past, so I have to look to the future.

I remember something… that day under the crying tree… Sarah said to me, '"Yeah, I do wish I was beautiful… have the perfect boyfriend… not necessarily the hottest and buffest on the block, but… he'd have a nice personality… he'd be really kind and thoughtful… looking after me and all… maybe one of those mysterious types, ya know?"' then she had said, '"You'll remember me and live a happy life for me?"'… that I have, Sarah. And those words you said? To live life for you? I took that to my heart and I found your perfect boy.

Okay, so now that he's with me, I think I've softened him up like a marshmallow by the fire, but he is kinda mysterious… in a way… and I can trust him… he has a nice personality, like you wanted, and… well, I missed out your 'not the buffest on the block' because, well, he is buff. Half a million girls are after him! Maybe even more!

Heh, talking to myself again…

But it didn't go all smooth sailing… even before that party, I had continued to… er… self-harm, though I don't like to admit it. But after everytime, I'd go running to him. Hehe, makes me sound weak, does it not? Well, I admit that during that time I was so weak it was untrue. But he understood; always understood. He didn't rush me in trying to overcome my obstacle but he prodded me to get over it; and that I thank him for; I'm glad he was/is understanding.

But now, weighing a total of 7 stone, I feel much better. You may think, _'7 stone? Bloody hell, give that girl 5 big Macs a day to fatten her up!' _(Please don't do that! I can just about eat one big Mac!) but I have a small stomach and a fast metabolism rate; way too quick. But it's who I am, ya know? If I didn't have this tiny stomach that I can only fit a small amount in at a time, I wouldn't be the girl who ate little but was healthy (after what I had been through, anyway) to my friends, would I? And I know that a few friends… when I wear… argh, it's hard to explain… But, I don't purposely wear tight tops, though when I do, my friends go _'oh my god, you're so fucking skinny! I wish I were you!'_. Damn, sometimes I feel like saying, _'Fuck off, no you don't!'_ but, alas, I can't… for those friends do not know.

Actually, only a few close friends know. And I mean, they are close. To be precise, out of my gang of twenty-plus friends… three know. It's not that I feel ashamed (though I do a little bit…) it's just down to the fact that if I let it slip to those other friends, the whole fucking world would know in… 0.1 seconds flat. Trust me…

I mean, I'd love to just get on with my life and… and not live like any day, everyone would turn their backs on me for being anorexic (heh, that's a bit exaggerated, but ya know. No one would turn their backs on me unless they had no heart or conscious;I tend to hunt people who hurt me and others with their ways...)

The only thing I can think of for the reason me getting over my anorexia is… friendship and love (okay, that's two). But… just because you're not anorexic, doesn't mean love can't help you! And I use the word 'love' in a broad way; parent love, sibling love (I don't care if your brother/sister is as annoying as hell), friendship love and… well, love-love. It can help. Just the thought of the fact that…

Jeez…

Say you felt like dying- killing yourself. What- how do you think the people you left behind would react? The way I feel… the way I view suicide is that it's just the easy way out and the most distressing way out. No, I don't view it as a coward's way… just hard. I mean, one mistake and 'woosh'… you're gone. Never to return (unless you believe in re-incarnation…). I never actually considered suicide during that time; nope. Sure, it occurred to me, but I'd never do it. why? I have no fucking clue…

These are my views and I stick by them till the end… my natural end… with him and my friends by my side. I'm glad that I didn't do anything drastic… I don't wanna be forgotten after a while or-or just remembered at my school as _'The girl who killed herself cos she thought that no one loved her' _I wanna be _'hey, that's the girl who got over anorexia and look at her! She's standing proud!'_… and I guess that's what's happening now. There's one friend out there (I shan't mention her name, but I'll give ya a clue, if ya reading: you like the name 'Marina') that I bet will stick by me no matter what…

Jeez, sorry, off track. But in short… just what I've droned on about in the past 3 pages in a nutshell…

I've gotten over this. I have a life. A boyfriend who loves me for who I am. Friends who love me for who I am… you could say that this is a fairy tale ending…

Remember: It's not the people you cheer up that matter; it's the people who cheer you up at the end of the day that matter…


	10. Bonus

A/N- can anyone say 'bonus chapter'? Well, I certainly can! For those who want a _proper _happy ending… (Note- this chapter has one… how to say… it isn't exactly like my life. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I broke up so we're not together anymore. But it's okay. Enjoy this chapter, please.)

A note: I started this bonus chapter as a kind of 'rounding off/here's my life now' chapter, but then I decided not to… I then picked it up again when I received this review-

**The following review has been submitted to: Anorexia **

**Chapter: 9 **

**From: ( )**

**------------------- **

**I HATE FUCKING OCS!**

**-------------------**

Well, excuuuuuuuuse me! If this person had bothered to read the notes to the chapter before the epilogue, they would have seen I had written in the second note that 'Yuri' resembled my best friend 'Rachael' as well as being an OC… but why? Why do you have to write in capital letters that you hate OCs? And why the swearing? And why here? Here in a story that is basically half of my autobiography? Jesus, I actually feel hurt… no I'm not going to stoop to that level and start swearing. I usually would, but not here- not here. And plus: hello! I'm the Queen of OCs. Of course I write about OCs! If this person is reading: If you don't like OCs, that's your choice. If you don't like my username, your choice, but tough luck sunshine; it ain't changing. If you want it to be known you don't like OCs, then put contact details (username, email?) but don't bloody do it here!

I apologise for placing that here. It's the only place I can put it. But I just it to be known that I take no bulls---, okay?

On a happier note, I would like to say thank you to all (nice) reviewers and I hope that anyone who has a problem in life overcomes it and then lives life to the full, happily.

* * *

'**_But somehow I'll miss it  
I think I'll really miss it one day  
Turn up the radio  
And I'm feeling like I've never felt before  
Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams  
I'm free, finally free' _**Cruz, Christina Aguilera

* * *

"Hilary? White or black?"

"Black, one sugar, please Yuri!" Hilary called back from the living room of the flat.

Yuri appeared a few minutes later, carrying two cups of coffee, her black hair hidden in a towel-turban. She gave a mug to Hilary before slumping in an armchair.

"So, Kai gotten used to you living away yet?" Yuri asked, unravelling the towel and rubbing her hair to dry it.

Hilary smiled. "Not really… though he hides it."

Yuri smiled back. "Hah, lucky you; Bryan don't give a damn bout it."

Hilary sipped her coffee carefully. Yes, she and Yuri had moved into a flat together about two months after the party. It seemed that the Blitzkrieg boys had decided to live in Japan nearby the Granger Dojo, and since Yuri was the only girl, she had decided on a flat instead of sharing with a load of boys. The black haired Russian had persuaded Hilary to let out her house and move in with her; though it did take some persuading.

They had been living in the flat for some time; a few months maybe. They had lost track of time. Too much fun with painting and decorating…

A few more 'friends' now knew… more importantly, the girls and a few of their teammates. No one had said anything to Hilary, but Yuri had said that she had overheard a few of them nattering; she then proceeded to ask if the Japanese girl wanted them… silenced… Hilary, of course, declined.

"Hey, Hilary?"

"Hm?"

"You zoned out on me."

"Oh… sorry."

Yuri frowned and stopped drying her hair, letting the towel drop to her side, her damp, black hair messy. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"Who ever said I was thinking about something?"

"The fact that no one zones out and thinks about nothing. And also the fact that no one _can't _think." Yuri's frown softened. "You can tell me, Hil. I told you I keep secrets, didn't I?"

Hilary smiled absentmindedly. "Yes, you have… I'm just… reflecting…"

"Hm? Any key moments?" Yuri smirked and waggled her eyebrows. "Kaiiiiii…"

Hilary laughed. "Kinda… don't be a pervert, Yuri… s'just… I'm trying to get back into the regime of being around loads of people again… and acting normal…"

"Hil, don't go normal on me; I'd have no one sane to talk to. Everyone's either normal or abnormal."

Hilary frowned in confusion, her dilemma forgotten for the time being. "Then what am I?"

"Special, Hil. Very special."

"And what are you?"

"Well… I have a 'special job' but I'm not special."

"What's this 'special job' then?"

"Just think of me as a female grim reaper."

"Ooooookay." Hilary laughed. "But I'm not special, Yuri. I'm not normal either… I'm _ab_normal."

"Hilary, don't make me drag you over to Kai's." Yuri said in a monotone voice.

"Why Kai?"

"He can knock some sense into you. I preferably wouldn't want to do it." Yuri stated. "But Hil." She leant over and clasped Hilary's hand. "No one in the world is abnormal, even if people jokes about it. Yes, I'm a hypocrite, but I know deep down that everyone's equal. But to some, others mean the world; they're special; they depend on them. Now, I might not depend on you, but you are the closest friend I have."

Tears sprung to Hilary's eyes and Yuri promptly leapt over, pulling her into a hug.

"Hey, why're you crying?"

"I-I dunno…" Hilary cried. "I-I get e-emotional when p-people sa-say things like that… it-it's who I am…"

"Aw, Hilary…" She pulled back and wiped the tears away. "You don't need to cry; it's the absolute truth."

Hilary merely shrugged. "It's wh-who I am…" She repeated at a mutter.

There was a knock at the door. Yuri murmured a 'Be right back' and went to the door, wrenching it open. She was about to shout at the unlucky person, but stopped when she saw Kai and Bryan there.

"Hey." She muttered weakly, letting them through, but stopped Bryan in his tracks.

"Wha-?"

"Sh!" She said roughly, blue eyes glaring.

Kai moved over quickly to Hilary and crouched beside her. Yuri and Bryan couldn't hear exactly what they were saying but Hilary gave Kai a reassuring smile before letting him hug her.

"What happened?" Bryan whispered in Yuri's ear.

"None of your business, mister." Yuri shot back. He raised an eyebrow. "Fine, we were just talking about past stuff. That's all I'm telling you." She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the apartment, slamming the door shut.

Hilary looked up when the door slammed, but otherwise carried on hugging Kai.

"You sure you're okay?" He asked, kissing her shoulder.

"Yeah… but could we go out? There's something I need to do."

* * *

Kai gazed upon the tree, letting Hilary guide him under the long branches. He stood at the edge, though, and watched her walk up to the huge trunk, hands darting out slowly and following long indents in the bark-

'_Saz-chan and Hil-chan BFF 4eva!'_

'_The Monkey and Sheep forever BFF'_

And there was a final one, in a different style, which Hilary guided her hands over last-

_'Keep running strong, Hil-chan. Stay with your flock and don't dwell in the field of sorrow for long. Follow the Shepard until your dieing day and beyond… See you up above my angelic soul-mate- Saz-chan'_

She broke down into tears and Kai rushed forward, pulling her into his frame, rubbing her shoulders in a soothing manner. While she cried, he read the messages in full.

Sighing, he pulled back. "Why don't you do as she says?"

"Because I can't!" She replied, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. "I can't let go of the past. It won't let me!"

"She doesn't want you to let go of the past." He said. "You shouldn't ever let go of the past. You should keep it in your mind to learn from your mistakes, so that your life becomes better. It's hard to not let go of the past, but it's something that must be done because without it, you carry on going in circles and go nowhere, meaning your future gets stormy." He wiped her tears. "Remember her. Remember her words. Remember her promises. But most of all, remember that you owe her your life; live it for her."

Hilary wiped the rest of her tears and nodded, slowly. She looked back at the messages, kissing her hand and laying it on the larger message.

"Can we stay a little longer? I need to be with her…"

"Hilary, if you wish to stay here, you can. But Sarah's spirit will always be in your soul with you."

Hilary smiled and they sat down on the soil together, Hilary leaning on Kai's shoulder to drift off into a dream to be with her best friend…

A/N- I hope many people learned from this fic. I didn't post it to gain sympathy. Nor did I post it to say 'I had a hard life; do what I say'. I posted it to show everyone part of my life and to help people, so that they learn from my mistakes, rather than making them themselves.

But if you ever feel in need of someone to talk to, I'm online most of the time or you can just send me an email.

* * *

'**Cross the river before you abuse the alligator' **_Just think about it…_

* * *

Demi-goddess – Queen of OCs

Dedication- To you my Saz-chan. Forever in my heart, soul and mind; you are me.


End file.
